Good Luck With That! Ha!

You people (my awesome followers) crack me up! I get the most hits on the blogs where I include my personal feelings and personal details...so here's some more personal feelings for y'all! (:

Today I felt super emotional. No, it wasn't a female thang, it was a flesh thang. No matter how much I "crucify" my flesh, it still likes to be in control sometimes. Today, I woke up feeling an emotional heaviness. This is different from the spiritual heaviness to pray about something. It was like a heavy emotion, almost making me cry. Frustration, maybe? It's difficult to describe.

So, I'll let you in on a secret: I fasted. I'm telling you this because I want you to know what I tried to do to "fix" this emotion. This is really personal, but I think someone else might need to hear all this, so I'm gonna share it. With the fasting, I prayed, of course, mostly crying. Just asking God what it is that He wants me to do. Where does He want me to go? Who does He want me to be? I told Him, "I'm willing, God. Whatever You want from me, I'll give to You."

Then (what I think is) the enemy tried to get in my head and tell me, "see how lonely it is to do what is right? See how lonely it is to chase after Him? If He loved you so much, He wouldn't let you feel so low today. You think you're special, set apart, called. Nope, you are average, just like everyone else, and a failure. Might as well give it up. Just go back to being average and trying to fit in. Go back to pretending. No one will ever know the difference."  (And, YES, that enemy said all that! Dumb Devil)

Oh, right, no one except me, who has poured myself out to the King of Kings searching for meaning and direction. Why would I totally surrender, feel Him, know He is here, and then pick my hurts back up and try to fix it myself again? I tried that already, remember? Crashed and burned.

So after this ridiculously overwhelming low emotion attacked me all day, I fell asleep during my kids' nap time. Usually I clean or study, but today, I was just emotionally drained. I'd love to tell you that I had some amazing epiphany of a dream and woke up inspired. I didn't. I woke up feeling a little more rested, though, able to think a little more clearly.

Later in the evening, during my alone time, a friend of mine called me, feeling the same way as I was today and looking for encouragement! Crazy, right? We compared feelings and both agreed: this "chasing after Him" is an emotional roller coaster! Yes, sometimes we are screaming out of excitement and giddiness because of the high we feel riding with the Prince of Peace....but then there are days like today: Screaming because we want to get off the ride! Ha!

After thinking about this all day and discussing it with my friend, here's what we came up with: Yea, you can get off the ride anytime (take back your pain and try to do things your way, like everyone else), or you can keep on riding, ride it out through the low and know that high is on the way. Something amazing is about to happen! Shut-up, enemy, I'm not going to quit now! Get thee behind me, emotional attack, I'm hanging on to see where my Prince is taking me! Even if this ride feels like it is going around and around in circles sometimes, I'm not going to give up my faith!

So, if you do get off the ride and want to handle your life on your own: Good luck with that!

I choose Him...again! Because any day with Jesus is better than my life was before I knew, I mean really knew Him.